Joe vs the Volcano Was a Highly Underrated Movie

I think one of the worst parts of depression is realizing when you're experiencing it. I've recently realized that when I'm feeling depressed, I search my brain for hours and hours trying to find a cause. I guess it's worse when you can't find a cause. If it was PMS, I could tell myself "Don't worry you'll be fine in a couple of days," or if something had happened to make me sad I could pinpoint it and say "That's the cause, that's why." For some reason having a reason to be sad is easier to take. Maybe it's because if I admit I'm experiencing a bout of depression, I have to face the fact that I do not know when it will end. If there's no specific reason for it, there are no guidelines. If there are no guidelines...I'm in freefall. I already struggle with the belief that I have nothing to ground me, that everything around me is in a constant state of chaos, that things could crumble at any moment; add to that the reality that a bout of depression has no concrete structure and it's panic time.

I realized this on the bus to work this morning. It was scary admitting to myself "You know what, there's nothing going on, this is simple depression, this is chemical," but in a way it was a relief because I think it's the first time I've actually stopped myself from searching for a reason and just accepted it for what it is. I always fight it, and I always end up so exhausted. I don't think people realize how much of a physical impact depression (and anxiety, especially anxiety) has on a person. Not fighting it, accepting that I'm entering a period of depression feels like I'm willingly throwing myself into a volcano. This is sort of new territory for me. At the very least there's a possibility that I'll learn something new, which is always a good thing.